Wednesday, March 07, 2007

post PMS PMS

Gosh, what did they put in the water? I laughed at all sorts of things today:

Tom Hanks in Money Pit when he gets stuck in a hole in the floor for a day and a night and his girlfriend is going all over the house calling for him and can't find him.

Mel Gibson in The Patriot when he watches the French general primping before going into battle, and the embarrassed face when he gets caught looking.

All the way through a couple of emails from two friends.


What a busy day on the phone. A consultant called asking if I wanted her to put me through for a two-day temp at the Arts Council. I said yes please. She called back saying, tough luck, but the info to be dealt with was so sensitive that they didn't want someone who might potentially work for them again one day. (So when do I start???)

Later she called again asking if she could put me forward for a 9-day booking at an Italian oil and gas company (my dad worked for one of their subsidiaries once). But then she called back and even though recommending me first she said they chose someone with more PA experience. So she recommended me to a colleague who has a 2-month booking at the London Development Agency (2012 Olympics and all that!). Coincidentally, my landlord's organisation has regular dealings with them. I will hear by lunchtime tomorrow if I've got it.


Random stuff:

Ever since I told my friends I like Family Guy, I've been forgetting to watch it. Stewie is priceless, oh absolutely yes.

I found out that racecar backwards is racecar.

Just before my birthday, I should receive my free upgrade to Windows Vista Premium (yes!), I suppose because I have Windows XP Media Center...

I briefly considered trying a few months in France as I was waking up this morning. My 12 years of language study needs hammering back into shape. And, you know, maybe French guys aren't as "fussy" as English guys about what they want in a girl.


Speaking of which:

Trying to get a date is as hard as getting a job. Send a CV, no reply. Answer a personal, no reply. And the same principle applies to both: You can't get a job without experience, can't get experience without a job. Although by now, my job experience outweighs dating experience. What are they looking for???

And yet I get more replies from personals than from job applications, but it goes downhill from there. I am not tall, curvy, leggy, busty, blonde. I am also fed up of guys who say they want a girl with a brain and that looks don't matter. "You're smaller than I'd expected." "You've got short hair." Well, you knew that before, so what?

Recently a pretty good looking guy, my age, said that what I wrote him stood out "above all the rest" as something written by someone he would like to meet. After I sent my photo did I hear back from him? Well, let's just say how many times can someone claim not to have received your photos sent 3 times to both address?

Then there was the one who sounded just like Rupert Everett and shared so many of my more obscure old fashioned interests. He called me and promised an evening of dinner and the theatre after he finished marking his students' literature exams, and had even made up a fun nickname for me. Nada.

Who would be proud to have me on his arm? Probably someone I couldn't stand. For instance, a couple of years ago I went on at least 4 dates with an utterly boring man that I could not get rid of. He was nice in the worst possible way, but we had nothing in common and he had a very limited range of topics. He just seemed sort of intrigued by my way of life, and I started to feel like I was going to be his free ride into society. So I have learned that "just nice" doesn't work, there has to be something more.

Then there was the scary Slovak who practically stalked me for months. Well educated and intelligent, but so intimidating in an incessant Russian way. I didn't like something about his weak chin either. The worst thing is I met him through my aunt, who totally vouched for him. I didn't even date him, he just assumed I was and started calling me cringeworthy nicknames after the 4th time I saw him, and even assumed he could tell me what to do. When the sight of someone causes the smile on your face to drop, then you know it's time to escape. Like magnets repel.

And yet, after that I managed to wrangle 2 dates with a guy who looked just right for me, he played the violin, was Italian-Greek from France, and we had a load of things in common - very much with the same upbringing and foundation. His English was perfect as he had studied in the States, but we started to speak an English-French mix. He put me on the bus and I never heard from him again. A few weeks later I found his profile again, and guess what he had done? Essentially described me as his ideal match, down to the curly hair.

Only one normal, well brought up and very attractive person put up with me for 4 months, and I don't know why he bothered, as in the end it pretty much came down to the gap in experience between two similarly-aged people.

My barely recovered self confidence was shot for a year after that. It's back now, but I'm starting to worry about when I start going to those gatherings where people meet each other. Will my attitude be different to what it was a year and a half ago? My whole body of experience hasn't been very encouraging, and I am so I lost every ounce of confidence after my parents divorced a few years ago, and many would say that it should have no effect on me, but I am an only child and we were unbelievably close; still are, just not as a trio - I actually had physical reactions to the situation, and now am more cynical and put less faith in what men say.

The longer I stay single, the more difficult it is not to panic when a guy I like pays me attention. They just don't understand. They think that the way I am acting is me playing games, when it is actually me not being able to figure out how to handle things. It takes me weeks to get over the fact that he wants to hold my hand! It took me many months after the breakup with the last guy to stop feeling nervous around him, and of course by then it was way too late.

Make no mistake, there was a time when I thought that I could go out with nearly any man I chose, but of course after finding out that wasn't true, and just how different I really was, and that inexperience counts against you, well that was a huge shock.

God, I am in trouble...

Sorry. It's not like me to complain about these things to you, but sometimes it does overwhelm me. You see, I have found out that I am the sort of girl that everyone wants to pat on the head and protect. And they end up just being friends. I have this sinking feeling of disappointment in the pit of my stomach at the moment.

(I think I'm going to regret posting this, and I know what you all are going to say. You're all going to be nice and say the right things, but I'm not even sure I want comments.)

Ugh. This is worse than last week when I actually had PMS.....

I promise to be more cheerful next time I blog. There will be lots to talk about, anyway.


Selba said...

Hahaha.... what a PMS post!

Don't worry you are not alone by being single... Yeah, I know how it feels.. all the symptoms, etc :)

Olivia said...

Selba - I know, it's terrible isn't it?

It's amazing how many people are single today, but there aren't many late 20-somethings who have never even *had* a boyfriend.

The Moody Minstrel said...

...but naturally I will comment anyway, m'lady.

You see, I have found out that I am the sort of girl that everyone wants to pat on the head and protect. And they end up just being friends.

Gee...why does that sound eerily familiar? Replace "girl" with "guy" and put it in my late college diary. I had so many female friends, some very close, but...

Then again, I kept blowing off the women that were interested in me, so maybe I got what I deserved.

I actually had much more success with my love life once I stopped worrying about it or even trying. Then things just started happening. It was so much better that way.

I know any words of comfort I tried to offer would only get even further under your skin (especially on account of my guy-ness), so I'll just leave it at reminding you that you're not alone.

Anonymous said...

if you want Vista or anything like that then just ask...

I have all of the Vista versions plus everything else from Bill G.

Pop round on Saturday and I'll drive you home with the disks. Might take a long route home to show you what the 911 can do!!

MattJ said...

Vista is purrrrrdy! And Media centre rawwwwwwwwwwwwwwks! if you can get ti to work lol!

I wrote some words of comfort,then I wrote somethign more closely approaching reality,t hen I tried an analogy. Unfortunately its all bollox, stuff happens or it doesn't. Just have a little faith and in the mean time treasure your friends and all your amazing experiences. Any boy who does come along is lucky to have you, and most people aren't very lucky, so it's not surprising its taking a while.

Hey! what the hell happened to 'no words of comfort'?! Curse my sneaky brain!

Anonymous said...

did you get it??????????
hope so, hope so, hope so,.....
fingers crossed,

Olivia said...

Minstrel, you meddler :P

Awwww you too? Why is this? I hope that I can one day end up with someone I find amazing because as I said, the ones who have persevered in their interest, as you can see, were just wrong!


Anony - woot! My turn now! I am free on Saturday, you chose a good day there.


Matt - my Media Center is ace. It showed me all sorts of cool pics and videos I didn't know I had on my hard drive (transferred from my old one).

I'm glad you didn't post the original words of comfort :P


Vanessa - it's 2.30 pm and I still haven't heard from her!

She was worried that I'd leave the house and be out of reach in the Underground or something, but the afternoon drags and I need to go shopping before my busy weekend starts!

Olivia said...

I mean, she actually called me at 10am asking if I was staying home today, and to keep my phone on...

panda_eyed said...

Livvy darling, I wish I could make it easier, but the course of true love ne'er did run smooth, you know :) Don't give up hope yet, he's out there and you shall find him soon. I leave you with another cheesy quote, I don't know who from -
Just because you haven't found your prince, doesn't mean you're not a princess xxxxxxxx

Olivia said...

Dear Pandy! You've just given me the biggest smile of the day! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MattJ said...

pah! never mind photos and video! get that bad boy hooked up to the TV and DVD player. I am currently in the process o workin out how to get cable to talk nicely to my computer, then I need never leave my rooom! bwahahahaahhahahaahha!

And yet i'm still single? curious.....

Roxandra said...

Hey Olivia,
I know you don’t want comforting words and I don’t think I have any for you either, as such. It sucks I know as I was single for a long time too in my 20. But there are a few things I would like to point out to you that you should change right speedily cause they simply cannot be healthy!
First you said:
And, you know, maybe French guys aren't as "fussy" as English guys about what they want in a girl.
Now what kind of attitude is THAT?! You shouldn’t view yourself like some sort of sub standard merchandise hoping some one will put up with you. If they don’t go for you this doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you cause you aren’t good enough for the almighty male. It just means you didn’t click. It happens. Sometimes it happens a lot. But this should never ever be taken as an indicator of your own worth. That way madness lies!
Secondly you said:
…as in the end it pretty much came down to the gap in experience between two similarly-aged people.
You aren’t actually sending out a CV where your experience in matters is weight up against that of other applicants. It is not as if you aren’t playing tennis either where Roger Federer got bored playing with a novice to the sport. In love know-how simply isn’t required. All that is required is to be able to feel things.
Thirdly you said:
They think that the way I am acting is me playing games, when it is actually me not being able to figure out how to handle things. It takes me weeks to get over the fact that he wants to hold my hand! It took me many months after the breakup with the last guy to stop feeling nervous around him,
There is no recipe on how to handle things. Stop thinking of how they might expect you to react and start reacting to situations how YOU feel. Forget being worried how it might be received. This is about YOUR feelings too, not just theirs. If you really want to squeeze their hand back or lean into them or what ever they aren’t going to go “Oh my gosh she doesn’t know the rules how can she do this now when really the she should…” or anything like that. If you overanalyse things and start worrying about how your reactions are going to be received you aren’t being natural. And if so, I am not surprised they think you’re playing games.
But most of all I would like to say to you to stop devaluing yourself. That is the best way to stay single all your life. If you don’t think your worth it then how can anyone else think it?
If this sounds is going to sound harsh, I am sorry, I did not mean to upset you further. Here is a poem on how every woman should feel.

"Phenomenal Woman"
By Maya Angelou

Pretty woman wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to fit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
They swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's the arch of my back
The sun in my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
I ought to make you proud
I say,
It's the click of my heals,
The bend of my hair,
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Rox said...

Ps: Sorry for my MANY typos. Just goes to show how much your post touched a nerve.

Olivia said...

Rox - wow. You know, i have been beating myself into the ground a lot for the past couple of years. Obviously I should not do that, and sometimes need my friends to pull me up by my bootstraps and tell me it's not so bad as I think it is. Thank you for that.

I like the Angelou poem too. inner

shlemazl said...

Keep your pecker up and remember that as a female you can have any guy you want if you really go for it.

tooners said...

i feel that i'm coming in very late w/ this reply... but... sometimes i think there are certain places where it's difficult to meet good ppl (men). i wonder if going to france wouldn't be the perfect thing for you. maybe meeting someone from there would be a really nice change and something that would bring you tons of happiness.

some of my friends have tried personals and they never worked out. do you do these online? have you ever tried that speed dating thing? is that what it's called? where you go and there are like 15 or so tables and you switch to a new table every 5 or so minutes? i've seen it on tv, but that's it.

you're a beautiful woman and so smart... maybe men are intimidated by you... i could see it.

to be straightforward... sometimes i think that a lot of men wanting to meet women on the net are jerks and looking for goddesses... even when they say otherwise. and from all the things i read, i think that a lot of men in london and such are looking for either a drinking buddy or one night stands or both. but shoot... aren't a lot of guys?!

i won't get on my soapbox... about men... i'll just say i can feel and understand the pain.

Olivia said...

Tooners - I hope you come back to check this space and find this comment!
Thank you for your special words. I know I haven't met you, but I value your input so much. Even my mother was impressed by what you said when she read my blog last Christmas. You are so genuine and caring, and I love that.

Anyway, in answer to your comment, yes I have been trying online. I have never been able to meet anyone at a bar, a party or any other natural gathering. However, I have recently joined a dinner dates sort of organisation where everyone is there to meet up, but it's in small groups, based around a sit-down dinner, and no rush. Like a dinner party!

My first event is next week so I will let you know how it goes :)

You are right about what men in London are looking for. Obviously not what they claim, and the amount of casual dating and drunken one night stands is astounding.

As you can imagine, the quality of the people at a dinner date event will be much different. There to meet serious, like minded professionals who have enough taste to want to go to these classy venues.

And...France is still on the back-burner...

tooners said...

thank you for your compliment... that's very nice. :)

never heard of this dinner dates organization but it sounds great! i think or hope this brings some interesting gentlemen into your life. it's good to get into something such as this in order to meet like-minded individuals.

re: the guys in london. i've read so many articles about dating in london and they all say the same thing.... getting drunk and having sex seem to be the hottest tickets in town. my hairdresser is british and she says the same thing. she's married to a bahraini and hates the life in britain.

i can't wait to hear about this org. and the dinner that's coming up. i hope you blog about it :)

again... you're very kind and thank you for your nice compliment. you make me smile.

Olivia said...

Tooners, I hadn't originally planned on blogging about the event as for dating, but since writing this post, I've decided that it will be all out in the open. Other people blog about their speed dating, so I shouldn't be ashamed.