Sunday, November 06, 2005

I heard something yesterday which caused me to have an odd recollection.

My dating habits never make it around the family grapevine; why broadcast failure? This past summer, however, my 4-month stint travelled far.
I heard that some of my female cousins were over the moon about it because they had thought I was gay. I found it funny at the time but now I'm just appalled: who else out there is wondering the same thing?

It never occurred to me that someone could think that of me - I am mesmerised by men! How can I prove it? Finding a (good) man is just like looking for a job: can't get one without the experience, can't get the experience without one.


The worst thing is to become a statistic, a name on a list, one of many. Another indistinguishable face.
Just because you're you, it doesn't make you any more special than the previous or the next.


Yesterday was a particularly low day. I felt unwanted and inadequate for anything and by anybody. It is not the same situation, but I felt as empty inside as when I was just finishing my thesis last year. I know what it will take to pull me out of this depression, but it will be a long journey - like someone who has been in captivity. I have not had a good year, and it is for this reason that no one who encounters me is seeing the bubbly Olivia that I really am. I have spent the entire year giving people the wrong impression and it has frustrated me to no end, resulted in dire misunderstandings, and the fading of my one bright spot of the year.


I have been having strange dreams - and remembering them. Last night I dreamt that it had become common practice for dinner guests to take a "dinner kit" with them on evenings out. So I was rummaging through a selection of them at Harvey Nichols (a shop I haven't visited in nearly a year), and supplies were running out because they were so popular.
A dinner kit is essentially a sort of roll that comes in different fabrics, just like evening bags or clutch purses, of course with sleek masculine designs for the men too. There are different price levels depending on what accessories you want. I remember opening only one, it was a round-handled clutch-shaped roll in a salmon and brown Japanese-style printed fabric. I unrolled it to discover a set of dainty cutlery and utensils with peach-coloured mother of pearl handles, and a selection of tiny boxes, bottles and saucers in light wood, lacquer and glass - I suppose for whatever condiments and seasonings you prefer.

Is this not an intriguing idea?!?!?!

However, my brain kept nagging me in the background that it could be offensive to the host or hostess if one actually took a dinner kit to their house. It would imply that they were unable to supply you with everything.


Jia Li said...

U need a hug, I hug you! Don't u hate the low days. Just back from St. John's. Family, shopping, trip round the bay...

Anonymous said...

I swear, Olivia darling, you are so interesting. Even your dreams are interesting.

Now...may I comment on your cousins and their assumptions?

Nevermind your permission, I shall.

Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, mind you (you know where I stand on such things) but to assume you are gay because you are selective unlike so many others is indicative of shallowness and a lack on their part of better things to do than to discuss your love life. *coughs*

That said, have I told you lately how charming you are? How brillant? How lovely? Funny how the best of women often find themselves why is that? I do think that however, when you and I finally do find a mate they will make other men seem quite...inadequate...and umm, dull....don't you think?

I've missed your blog.


Olivia said...

Jia Li - I needed a lot of hugs yesterday...

Alohalani - I have nothing againsts gays. Back in the US, I have a gay cousin and a lesbian friend. But it would not be my choice, and yes, I know where you stand.
It happened this way: my mother met up with them for a long overdue dinner, they asked about me, she let drop that I was dating someone I liked, and they were glad to hear it.

Truthfully, I am getting tired of being lovely and elegant and intelligent and a "good girl" if it gets me nowhere at all! And please do understand that my rant is ambiguous - it relates to both jobs and relationships.

Thank you for enjoying my blog ;)

Rebecca said...

What do you feel like being?

Anonymous said...

Oh Olivia, I am so sorry to hear you are in this mood.

Go for a BAD girl. Rules were made to be broken. Just don't do anything you will regret.
Life is short, experiment and explore. Why not?


Olivia said...

Rebecca - I feel like being all kinds of wonderful things. I feel like being excited, inspired, and in demand.

Vanessa - When I was 16, I remember saying to my parents, "If I were going to be bad, I would have started already."
I can be adventurous, but I can't be a bad girl.

Mr B. said...

My darling (forgive me for being presumptuous) and funny friend; please do not feel unwanted or inadequate. From a purely personal perspective, to me you are a rock. Dependable,understanding and non judgemental. You have managed to make me smile through adversity, and never fail to raise my spirits. And 'yes'; I still see the bubbly you! And even if I don't, does it matter? We, your friends, don't expect you to be cheerful every moment of every day. We love, cherish and appreciate you for being, well, you! Happy, sad, whatever. Inadequate? You? Never!!
But I know what you mean when you refer to being previously thought of as gay. When I was in my 20's various relatives assumed I was gay because I had female friends; i.e. - not girlfriends in the traditional sense. Uncles thought me 'queer' because my relationship to women was 'different'. Of course I did have relationships in the normal sense - but I didn't feel the need to advertise it to them. If they thought me odd, well that was their look-out. I was initially surprised, but it didn't bother me too much. I knew differently, so didn't feel diminished (if that is the right word) by their misconception. So, what am I trying to say? I suppose: that you are essentially a strong person - even if you don't always feel it. You are integral to those who love you. So lighten up on yourself a little. Your rewards are coming, and in the meantime, know the positive contributions you have made - and continue to make - in the lives of those who value and care for you. Me included!

Olivia said...

Awwww Mr Beeeee - apart from my dad, there is no other male in my family - not even my uncles - who boosts my spirits the way you do. God bless you!

Hey everyone - I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My bad moments are getting shorter and less frequent. Hold on I will be back!

Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY!
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