My dating habits never make it around the family grapevine; why broadcast failure? This past summer, however, my 4-month stint travelled far.
I heard that some of my female cousins were over the moon about it because they had thought I was gay. I found it funny at the time but now I'm just appalled: who else out there is wondering the same thing?
It never occurred to me that someone could think that of me - I am mesmerised by men! How can I prove it? Finding a (good) man is just like looking for a job: can't get one without the experience, can't get the experience without one.
The worst thing is to become a statistic, a name on a list, one of many. Another indistinguishable face.
Just because you're you, it doesn't make you any more special than the previous or the next.
Yesterday was a particularly low day. I felt unwanted and inadequate for anything and by anybody. It is not the same situation, but I felt as empty inside as when I was just finishing my thesis last year. I know what it will take to pull me out of this depression, but it will be a long journey - like someone who has been in captivity. I have not had a good year, and it is for this reason that no one who encounters me is seeing the bubbly Olivia that I really am. I have spent the entire year giving people the wrong impression and it has frustrated me to no end, resulted in dire misunderstandings, and the fading of my one bright spot of the year.
I have been having strange dreams - and remembering them. Last night I dreamt that it had become common practice for dinner guests to take a "dinner kit" with them on evenings out. So I was rummaging through a selection of them at Harvey Nichols (a shop I haven't visited in nearly a year), and supplies were running out because they were so popular.
A dinner kit is essentially a sort of roll that comes in different fabrics, just like evening bags or clutch purses, of course with sleek masculine designs for the men too. There are different price levels depending on what accessories you want. I remember opening only one, it was a round-handled clutch-shaped roll in a salmon and brown Japanese-style printed fabric. I unrolled it to discover a set of dainty cutlery and utensils with peach-coloured mother of pearl handles, and a selection of tiny boxes, bottles and saucers in light wood, lacquer and glass - I suppose for whatever condiments and seasonings you prefer.
Is this not an intriguing idea?!?!?!
However, my brain kept nagging me in the background that it could be offensive to the host or hostess if one actually took a dinner kit to their house. It would imply that they were unable to supply you with everything.